Come and Go. I really can't stay.

Grief...Mourning..... is an odd place to wander . I use the term wander because as time passes you don't stay there. You don't stay there forever but rather, you come & go- Sometimes you just pass through for a brief stay- other times you stay a while - in a moment that takes your breath away.Then there are the days of just passing through. The days always bring some memory of the loved one lost- as we always want it to. Somedays the memory brings a smile, and some days the memory comes with a deep ache- everyday comes with a longing to see you- smell you- hear you- squeeze you. Grief is funny that way. Only it isn't really funny at all. The toughest part ( at least to me) is that life goes on. Simply put- it does. It goes on....ready or not. It goes on with all the moments - BIG and small that I wished you could have stayed for. That I so badly needed you to be there for. In my heart of hearts I know you are present- but not the way my heart wishes you could be. I read all the articles of sadness and mourn over the parentless, lost mothers , and fathers - and I relate. As you read above I still visit there- I come and I go. I suppose, I know that I always will. It's impossible not to with a love lose this deep. BUT, I refuse to let it rob me of my joy- The joy you gave me, showed me, taught me, showered me with. Especially- My christmas JOY. Nobody loved Christmas quite like my momma did- and every year my heart longs for my mom and dad-ABSOLUTELY, and that will never change-nor would I want it to. My sweet momma adored ALL holidays- but Christmas topped them all. She loved decorating the entire house in snowman. I know that she loved it so because she anticipated that we all - my six sibings and our families would be together - if only for a few hours...her babies would be home and safe. The legacy she leaves runs deep in me- in us all- so while grief will come inevitably I refuse to let it rob me of the love right in front of me. Rather, I will face Christmas Day with a smile on my face because the world doesn't stop for my aching heart. On Christmas morning I may or may not shed a few tears, I may smile through a tinge of pain, or maybe I'll just grin. One thing is for certain- I will sip my coffee, watch my babies, and I'll remember when.... I had to wait forever for my brother to wake to open my presents. I'll remember the familiar smell of folgers coffee that only daddy would drink, the warmth of the wood stove, and daddy stoking the fire. I will remember the Christmas trees that we cut down from our field. I'll remember the sweet smile on your face as you'd see I was awake and coming down the stairs. I'll remember and never forget the love that was always shown by two of the very best people I've ever known. Oh, I will remember and never forget- but a part of me will also wish that I was driving to your house and my babies were running through your door. I'll wish that the tears hadn't come so soon this year. Yes....Grief....I'll visit, but I can't stay because I've got two babies and nieces and nephews that need to grow up and know that very same love and joy you gave each Christmas day- Just as you wish mom. I've got this. I will take in their beautiful faces, and their sweet sounds, and their tender hearts. I may fight tears and wish you and daddy were here but more than anything I hope to radiate the love that I was shown all those years. So yes, Grief come and go- but over all may I always know and show that love that you would never want me to lose. Missing you both. Always.